Love, Life and Lady Gaga

A friend recently quoted my fellow former fighting violet on facebook:

“Some women choose to follow men, and some women choose to follow their dreams. If you’re wondering which way to go, remember that your career will never wake up and tell you that it doesn’t love you anymore.”

-Lady Gaga, Cosmopolitan, April 2010

I found it interesting, because I've been pondering this balance recently. No, no, I have no desire to leave Mr., nor do I fear he will wake up to tell me he doesn't love me anymore. I don't want to sacrifice Mr. for my career dreams, but how much am I willing to sacrifice my career dreams for Mr.?

In one week (1 week!!), we will find out where we'll be moving 3 months from now, whether its halfway across the borough or halfway across the country. And I can't help but wonder what I'll do if we're not in New York City.

Last summer, I discovered something about myself that most have known about me for years. I love law. I want to be a lawyer. I want to lock myself in a room full of contracts picking apart the tiniest discrepancies that could have the largest impact all night until it's time to shower and come back into work again. What drudgery, right? I mean, I'm the girl who quotes Dead Poet's Society:

We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.

Law is merely a noble pursuit. My passion should be theatre or fashion, right? I greatly enjoy both of those. I even love both of those. But ultimately, I'm passionate about boring old law. My father's career. The predictable career. That's why I was 25 before I figured it out / caved in and admitted as much. And yes, I know that's still young, but kids in Germany more or less figure this stuff out at 12.

So, here I am in the somewhat unique predicament of discovering my passion years after getting married. Married to a med student entering a highly competitive specialty. The feminist in me wants to say, "you need to go to the best law school you can regardless of the impact on your relationship"... but the feminist in me also made Mr. move certain programs down on the list for their lack of law school. He's making sacrifices, and I should be expected to do the same if necessary.

I think we often try to paint things in black and white. We want everything to make sense, to fit into a package of quotes about passion and dreams. But ultimately, people are important. Even Lady Gaga, ambitious as she is, offers in her song "Speechless" to stop singing if that's what it will take for her father to get a potentially life-saving surgery. At the end of the day, I'll go with my gut with what feels right in terms of law and Mr., to find the balance between doing what is best for my career and doing what is best for my family.

I'd really like to have my cake and eat it, too. After all, what good is having cake if you don't get to eat it?


04 days until Black Monday
07 days until Match Day
84 days until Mr.'s Graduation

Never Go to Bed Angry

I always thought the "never go to bed angry" advice was not for me. Often, I'll get annoyed at silly stuff, go to sleep, and wake up feeling sheepish for getting annoyed at something so silly. So, many times, it is beneficial for me to just never bring it up, to sleep on it, and get over it.

Last night, however, was not one of those nights.

This past month has been kind of crazy - work has been busy, I finished up my fashion degree, and Mr. has spent a lot of time on the road, traveling for residency interviews. When I'm stressed, I drop the details. I just do what needs to be done, and then just veg so I don't burn out. Of course, when I drop the details, Mr., being slightly OCPD, becomes more stressed. And when he becomes stressed, he snarks and nitpicks.

It got to the point where I was looking forward to him being on the road and dreading having to be in the same room with him. (And since we live in a studio, we're always in the same room if we're home.) Finally, last night, after a lovely evening with friends, Mr. made a comment that just irked me to no end; he was essentially bragging about the very character flaw that had been making me miserable the past couple weeks. I had been dozing off after a long day of traveling and really just wanted to sleep. But sensing my bad mood, Mr. coaxed the issue out of me, and we had a long talk about what wasn't working and how to move forward.

We now are keeping each other in check. I don't like my opinion to be discounted or ignored, but I recognize that I often commit one of Mr.'s pet peeves: I'll talk about topics I only know a little about. I know a little bit about a lot of topics; as Mr. put it, I know "just enough to be dangerous". What can I say? I like small talk. But I know Mr. is right in that it's dangerous for people who don't really know what they're talking about to act like they do. So, for him to help me correct that behavior without making me feel like a know-nothing idiot, he's going to use the code phrase, "we'll have to read more about it".

Similarly, I can't take the nit-picking. Any comment alone seems silly to complain about, but when that's all I'm hearing from my husband, it feels like rocks building up in my chest. It just drags me down and makes me not want to be around him. Naturally, Mr. doesn't want to hurt me or be a drag, so when he starts to do that, I'm now going to respond by saying "don't be a grump".

We didn't go to bed angry but rather with a renewed sense of marital bliss. We had our airing of grievances (it's a Festivus miracle!), and came up with productive actions to take in the future if necessary.

I guess sometimes it is best to not go to bed angry.


Meanwhile... 81 days until Match Day!

Minor Vent

So, Mr. is a bit of a neat-freak. I often drive his little OCD-lite self nutty when it takes me two weeks to unpack or if I place a used shirt next to the hamper instead of in it. If I had my druthers, I'd keep up my slightly sloppy ways, but I try to be better about things for the sake of Mr.'s sanity.

Of course, when he then falls short, I get frustrated. For example, he always seems to forget to place a new trash bag in the kitchen trash can after he takes out the trash. Now taking out the trash is great! And in my former life, I would have just been happy about him taking out the trash. Except, if I were the one to forget to put in a new bag, he would point it out in a "you know better than this" type of tone. And because of that, I get annoyed. However, I don't want to nit-pick, so instead I point it out and say, "if I did this, you would get mad". Or "guess what you forgot again!" in a cheery tone. He takes it well...but still always forgets the darn bag!

Then there's the bed making. I don't like to make the bed when nobody is going to see it. In fact, making the bed every day may actually be unhealthy. But, again, it's something Mr. is picky about, so we do it. The deal is the last person out of bed makes the bed. That's usually Mr. so it works out for me. However, last night I put new sheets on the bed late at night...right before bed... When I was finished, Mr. noted my sloppy execution ...not in a mean way, it was kinda cute, but still, it was right before bed. You know, when we were going to mess up the sheets anyway?
It didn't affect me at the time, but it did irk me a little when I discovered this morning that Mr. (who wakes up after me but leaves before me this rotation) didn't make the bed. Normally I would leave it, but we have house guests coming today who are getting in while Mr. and I are both at work. Oy. Vey. Really??

So, I rushed to make the bed and then subsequently missed my bus. Luckily I wasn't late, but I cut it very close!

Ah well. No harm, no foul...

Nerdy Fights

Last night, I texted Mr. (who was in one of the classroom buildings studying for the oral exam he had today) that I was going to bed, and as it sent, he opened the door. Already 11:30, I was cutting it close if I wanted to get 6 hours of sleep. But we hung out and chatted, which was great. Then, as I was heading to bed, I mentioned that Obama had made an offensive comment on Leno. This prompted Mr. to turn it on to see for himself.

We saw the gaffe, and we also heard him make a few other statements, which made me think of another topic closely related and thus spurred what turned into a 2-hour argument about the economy, investment banking, AIG, Citigroup, employee compensation, contract breaches, and the long-term macroeconomic impact of short-term legislation. All of a sudden, it was 1:55am, and my alarm was set for 6. Luckily, by that point we actually achieved a shared position (sort of).

Now, Mr. and I have had many a "nerdy fight" as my friends call them. But typically, they just end with me changing the subject because we're out in public and I'm afraid we're making our companions (usually STM & her hubby) uncomfortable. Clearly this is a good move on my part as it apparently takes two hours for us to quasi-agree.

That said, it was fun to finally go through it all. I love being challenged intellectually and by not giving up, I didn't have to concede every point. I do still have to work on my strategy, though, so that I'm not always playing defense. I think I might mimic some of his techniques (like challenging every statement to ask for specific statistics I know he doesn't know)...

Roommates Part II

Last fall, I wrote about how Mr. and I felt like roommates and that was about it. I'm under the impression that from MS3 throughout the end of medical training, there are those killer rotations during which you simply don't see your spouse. This, not surprisingly, seems to be one of them.

Mr. is finishing his surgery rotation, and as the shelf exam draws nearer, I see him less and less. The last time Mr. and I ate in the same place at the same time was Saturday evening, and that was just snacks, not a meal. Since I have class tonight and tomorrow and a friend in town on Friday, I expect the earliest Mr. and I will share a meal will be dinner on Saturday. Maybe.

However, unlike last September, it's not so bad. Sure it'd be great if I could see him more, but the important part is appreciating each other when we do see one another. It's really just an attitude adjustment for both of us. Instead of spending our 5 minutes that we see each other each day talking about bills or those dirty dishes in the sink, we ask how the other is doing. We each seek the other's advice. We remember that we're on the same team. So, even though we may be living like roommates or merely ships passing in the night, we feel like the united married couple we are.

(And it's a lot easier for me to tackle those dirty dishes in the sink when I know Mr. and I are on the same team.)

Making Time

Yesterday when I was out to lunch with a coworker, I told her about how it feels like Mr. and I are more like roommates at the moment. We talked about the issue and tried to best figure out what exactly I was feeling. Toward the end it just became about time. "We just have to find time," I remarked. She corrected, "no, you have to make time, because you're never going to find it."

I was then reminded of a passage I had selected for our wedding by C.S. Lewis.
...Love in this second sense -- love as distinct from 'being in love' -- is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit...
(The emphasis is mine).

It's hard for two independent and goal minded individuals to start new habits, particularly when there are so many distractions like work and school, especially medical school. Medical students barely have time for themselves, let alone for others, and I imagine it only gets worse as the training progresses. That's why making time is necessary, whether it means Mr. hangs out with me, talking or playing cards during his study breaks or I stay up an extra 15 minutes to pay attention to him.

It will be difficult to start making time. We both have a lot of stuff on our plates - a lot of stuff that is important to us. But I'm confident that if we put the effort in now, it will eventually become habit and stop being difficult.

Roommates

Thursday night, I was an hour or so getting late after finishing some things up at work. By the time I got home, he was in the classroom building studying. By the time he got home, I was in bed.

Friday night, I got home a little after midnight after attending an event at my old sorority house. Mr. was helping our friend bottle beer. I was exhausted and was again asleep before he got home.

Saturday was a long day for me. I did a little homework in the morning while Mr. slept, and then headed into town to grab a quick bite with a friend before heading to see our mutual friend in About Face, a delightful musical comedy that had me laughing out loud throughout. Even the scene changes were adorable. I hope it gets picked up for Broadway. I think it would do quite well there as it certainly has oodles of mainstream appeal. If you're in the city, you should try to catch it Wednesday night!
After the show and a quick bite, I headed up to church for a social event I spearheaded. The regulars of the group were very pleased, and I hope the newcomers weren't intimidated by the small numbers.
Anyway, Mr. was actually home by the time I got home! But, he was studying and 'in the groove' with his noise-canceling headphones on, so we said a few words to each other before I hit the sack.

Sunday morning, Mr. was still asleep when I left for church and out studying when I came back. He came home early... because the Yankee's game was on.

Tonight I have class, and tomorrow I have class followed by a cabaret in Manhattan after which I'll crash at my friend's apartment.

Maybe I'll see Mr. on Wednesday. We definitely feel more like roommates at the moment.

Point for me!

Anyone who knows Mr. knows that he can be incredibly difficult to argue with. In the past (and by 'past', I mean 2 weeks ago), this used to bother me. I just wanted to watch Project Runway without him over my shoulder claiming that the producers probably design all of the outfits themselves, controlling every single aspect to insure the highest level of entertainment.
However, the steeper the climb, the greater the satisfaction when you reach the top! That's right, Mr. conceded a point to me.

Saturday night before bed, I was reading Peony in Love in dim lighting.

Mr. MW: You shouldn't read in dim lighting, it's not good for your eyes.
MW: I thought I read somewhere once that was a myth.
Mr. MW: (scoffs) No, it strains your eyes. We should get you a reading lamp.
MW: (just wanting to get back to the novel) Okay.

Now, I've been scolded about reading in the dark since I was old enough to read. It doesn't hurt my eyes, it doesn't bother me, I don't mind. So, when I read an article or saw on the news (I can't remember) that reading in the dark doesn't actually have long term effects, I was triumphantly satisfied. I may have forgotten the source, but I don't forget being right. :)
Last night I decided to find verification, so I googled, and found this link. It seemed like a decent source, and pretty much said that reading in the dark can cause eye strain, which is exhibited by a bunch of symptoms I never experience. This is mostly short term anyway but can in some cases possibly cause long term effects in nearsightedness. I am nearsighted, but I doubt it's related to eye strain as I've never experienced any of the symptoms of eye strain. It took a little bit of arguing to quasi-persuade Mr. who was rattling on about how I haven't been studied in a controlled environment or something. But finally, he questioned my source and went to find his own. A few minutes later, he conceded the point, finding verification in a legit medical journal.
Woot.

In other news, we're officially married again! Okay, so we've been officially married for over a year now, but at the beginning of this summer, Mr. lost his ring in the ocean. He decided that his original ring had been too bulky and heavy and wanted instead to have a basic small band. So, last week I dropped by the Zales by my work, found and paid for a ring, got it sized, and picked it up yesterday. Hooray, we're married! And now even strangers will know it. ;)

Residency Search Battle: Round 1

Okay, so we'd had this talk before, but with so much uncertainty, there was only so much that could be said.

Here's a brief history of this discussion:

First Meeting (Pre-first year)-

Mr.MW: I imagine I'll be in New York a long time.

MW: I like it for now but would like to settle back in the midwest.

Engagement (First year)-

MW: I really don't want to stay in New York after med school, far away from our families when we start having kids.

Mr.MW: I will try to get back to the midwest for residency.

A couple months in (Second year)-

Mr.MW: You know, there's a good chance I could end up in a borough for residency. This is where I have all my connections, etc.

MW: Ugh. (or something like that...)

There's still quite a bit of uncertainty, like which specialty he'll go into (though orthopedic surgery is looking likely) or where he'll feel most comfortable. However, we know one big factor that will help determine where we go next: the boards (ie, USMLE Step 1) scores are in, and he did well. Very well.

Upon the hearing the news, a friend of mine responded 'M must be happy,' assuming that with the high score, we now have the freedom to go where I want to go. But, while I'm incredibly proud of and happy for him, I know that this means he will be even more determined to go to the highest ranking program, with little regard to location.

We went round and around last night, getting everything out. It was difficult because he said some things I didn't want to hear (like, 'I'm not going to be home for dinner every night or be able to make it to every game'), but after sleeping on it, I'm ready to accept that his career is his priority. After all, I can find an adventure anywhere, and letting go just makes life more exciting.

...Plus I guess the small victory of discovering there are no borough hospitals on US News & World Report's Top 50 Hospitals for Orthopedics didn't hurt either.